Love Game

LOVE STINKS!

How does it become so wrong when it just feels so right? Love was nothing but empty promises. Like chasing a pot of gold in the end of the rainbow, like a creeping cancer in your system that’s just waiting to make its move. And when you realized you have it, it’s too late anymore. It’s in its terminal stage already and you’re in the point of no return. Love is chaotic. Love is traitor. Love is demanding and devastating. Love is not just for me. Love just simply hates me. Love is nothing like plague, a pestilence that would cause only catastrophe. Wtf?!

Do I sound bitter with love? Yeah. I guess so.

I FOUND HIM.. yes HIM.

Recently, I was invited by my friend to their church. And his been inviting me for a long time but I was always been hesitant in coming with him. I don’t know why but maybe I wasn’t just ready yet. But suddenly, it was around 4 in the afternoon and I was sleeping at my room. I heard my nephew calling for my Mum because there is someone outside looking for me. I was barely awake and did not care to get up to know who it was. And then moments pass; I realize there is someone in my bedside calling for my name. And when I opened my eyes, it was Kim dressed up. He was inviting me to come with him to their church again. And I was trying to tell him I can’t but a part of me say’s go. Go and experience what he was been telling you. So I get up asked my Mum for permission to come with Kim.

When were there, everyone was so warm and very welcoming. I thought to myself, yeah they were just nice so they can recruit me to their church. But as it all begins. While they were singing their Christian song, I felt something. It was hair rising that I found myself singing along with them. Something in the song struck me. And even the preacher. Or whatever she is, seems like she is talking to me alone. The topic was all about LOVE with your romantic partner and Your LOVE with GOD. I was struck again. Because at those times, I was badly looking for someone to talk to with regards my badly wounded heart. And little by little I came to a realization that I was been missing GOD all along. And he’s been knocking on my doors long enough that I was just neglecting him there.

And when the preacher was having its closing prayer, I found myself crying like a baby. Yes I cried and I don’t know why and how it happens. My tears were very warm that I could feel that it was from my hidden bags of sorrows that I was trying to cover and hide. And in that time, I was able to let all go.

REALIZATION: I know I’m still far from him. But I can certainly say that I felt his presence that time and until now all upon me. His fire energizes me. And now when I was feeling down, I just try to think about him and with just an instance, I feel better. I hope you can experience what I experience as well. GB

it was a blast!

It was a BLAST!! Yeah you heard it right. I had in there almost all the important people in my life. Though some people weren’t there, I understand why they can’t make it. But man, it was a blast. It was one successful party.

I can’t thank you guys far enough. I greatly appreciated. I owe you guys BIG TIME. Can’t name you guys one by one but you know for a fact how much I appreciated your help in making the event possible.

Apir sa GUMS bi. Haha.

bizarre.

Bizarre things happen like “de javu”. It doesn’t give any noticed and it hits me like fate has a personal anger on me. Everything around me seems to be not right at all. Even my own perspective in life is a complete absurd. I know I’m a total asshole for I am one heck of a self centered shit ass bin bag. And I deserved every last pinch of pain of it.

I am irresponsible, arrogant, indolent and conceited.

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Lame game. XD

It’s around 7:11 pm. I’m at our living room completely staring to my stupid PC who has roughly millions of viruses. Good thing there is no hammer around me or I could have smash this stupid thing by now. How was this virus invented anyway? And what do these exceptionally talented nerds came to their abnormal brains which propelled them to make such thing. Duh, bizarre people aren’t they?

Mugel is on my feet now, rubbing its body against my leg. I think my little runt nephew forgets again to feed this cat. O well, I don’t care. Besides, I really want to get rid of this cat anyway. Last night while on my way to the bathroom to take a pee, I accidentally step on one of Mugel’s “landmines”. And damn! Luckily mugel wasn’t around, because if only that stupid cat was on the vicinity, I would have chopped his head off. Can I be sued for killing a cat? Is there any law that inhibits people here in the Philippines from killing cats brutally? Well if there is such thing, then how about those cats used for dissection in medical affiliated courses? Like in my anatomy class way back. Are we reliable for any criminal case? Maybe they should go hunt our Anatomy teacher instead. And I don’t even remember her name (my anatomy teacher). HAHAA! See how good student I was been?

My Mum is calling me to have dinner. But I was pretending not to hear anything. I have on my ears the headphones but the volume is way too low so I can still hear Alice my Mum shouting and really pissed by now. I’m currently listening to Kris Allens version of kanye’s “Heartless”. The song talks about a girl who had dump him. Questioning about how heartless she has been for living him and yet he still lives with her memories. How pathetic right? I can’t relate to this song. Hahaa!

To cut this crappy post short, I had a normal boring day. Like blaa blaa. I woke up on a freezing morning and had a scorching hot afternoon. Nothing special for this day to share to you guys. boring. Duh. Lame.

When Politicians becomes Commercial models…

Haven’t you noticed these past few months? Our television sets were flooded by political commercials. Well maybe because 2010 election is fast approaching. But the thing here is, they spend hundreds of millions just to air there political advertisements in the primetime shows. One candidate is showcasing a kid driving a “Trisikad” along with his younger sister wishing to become an “Atista”. And there’s this other hopeful candidate reminiscing and even showing to the entire Filipinos his old house and how he worked his ass off before becoming of what he is right and now and so on.

But do people really appreciate such crap? Aren’t we all feed up about these things? Like I mean, c’mon! Were not that stupid aren’t we? Well in my own opinion, they were just a bunch of hypocrites giving false hopes and stupid promises to all of us. I’m not singling out any candidate in here, and my not in favor of anyone as well. What I am pointing out is that, we should be more realistic today. We should be keener with these things. Would you entrust your future with these people just because you always see them in the television? Well for me, I would say no. Hell no! People of the Philippines don’t need commercial models?! What this nation needs is someone who will assure us that he will give his pure plain honesty. And someone who will nurture more the safety and welfare of his people before fattening-up his own wallet and bank accounts.

As youth’s of today, we should do our best to protect our votes and make sure will have a clean and honest elections. Be active and participate. Don’t let anyone deprived your right as inhabitant of this country.

* some people missing *

Yes I have many acquaintances but very few to call as my friends. But recently, I kind of notice something. Little by little some people in my life is beginning to keep there distance from me. I don’t know if we had some problems or issues. But as far as I can remember, I really can’t recall such instances. So I went on doing some self reflection. Because I really want to find out what seems to be the problem. And I ran into some things that might be the cause of these things.

• Lack of time – I know and I’m guilty of this. This past few months I’ve been into a lot of which drawn me far from you guys. I was so busy fixing up things and all, where I tend to forget some important people in my life. I was so pre-occupied with love. Darn.

• Change – I know that the only thing constant in this world is change. Maybe our priorities have just change. And even our personalities did. And I don’t know, maybe I just didn’t recognize it but also me, even I had change dramatically where they find it strange and which also drawn them away from me.

But, I miss them, those times when we just talk senseless things and laugh about it like high. Simply all those times when were just together and all are still fresh in my mind. These were those people who I treasure and entrust my life with. These are those people who are before just a text away and boom they’re there in your very face ready to give their time to cheer you up in your darkest moments.

I know it will be impossible to bring back those moments again. For I know were not the same people as we are before. But if only I could just bring it all back, I would gladly do it. I miss you guys and ill see you soon. I hope.

How was it to be single again?

Yesterday while I was wondering off by myself in the mall, I saw a lot of couple holding hands. They were all over the place and looking cheesy hugging and cuddling each other. I was seating on a bench and completely staring at them like an ignorant little runt. Then suddenly, something came up to my mind. A sudden question came from nowhere.

• Do I look I like them before?
• Are these people really are happy?

Surprisingly there was no single feeling of jealousy I felt while looking at them. I don’t know why but I feel so secure just being by myself that time. And did not wish I was with somebody at that very moment. I don’t know if I was beginning to become recluse or I was just feed up with the thing and I just want pure plain peace and tranquility all by myself as of this moment.

For the longest time, I was running after love hoping to have what they call happiness. But I realized just recently. Happiness is by choice. And you may find true genuine happiness by just opening you eyes to your surroundings. Because when we are in love, we tend to make that person as our world and only source of happiness. And our eyes were so fixed with that person and it makes us blind over the things in our surroundings that matters most.

So for now, all I want is to focus now to myself. I want no stressors in my way. I want to fix the things in my life that needs to be restoration from its previous calamity. Maybe In this way, I can give my very best to whomever that person that may come in my way soon. I know I made so many wrong decisions from my past. And this is the time to make things right in order for me to become a better person and man by tomorrow.

got to OUTERSPACE!

For once I want you to make up you mind. You’ve been hanging me here all this time. I told you to please let me go if you can’t decide which is which. You said your happy being with me. But that is not enough for me. Because I know when you’re with me you’re still thinking of your phalala laa. And it’s getting into my nerves knowing that I can’t have you as a whole at all.

I’ve been through a lot. And you know that damn well. You know what are the things that I have to sacrifice just to make this thing work between us. But it seems to you that don’t recognize a single of it. My friends were telling me to stop this crap and forget you. But the more that I tried to, the more I’m falling for you like hell. And I hate it.

Please, whatever spell you had cast on me, just stop it and give me now the antidote.

And now you’re asking for space? Well go on, I’m giving you all the time in the world to think things and figure what you really want with your life. You know were to find me. But I just want to tell you one thing; I can’t wait for you forever because I don’t believe in forever at all. You’re not the only girl in this world for crissake. I just hope that when the time you made up your mind, I would still recognize you.

Bye for now.
Don’t worry; I won’t drink my ass off again like what I have done before over our first break up. I’m so much better now.

Onse’23

im taking all the BLAME...

Don’t worry, I had expected it anyway. I don’t know but I had it figured out that while you’re thinking things out, you would decide this way. Well, I wanted to acknowledge your honesty and for the first time, you have given me a straight forward answer. And you know I’ve been asking you to just let me know so that it won’t hurt me any further. And yes you did. If you would ask me if it hurts, well it does apparently. Though it seems like a complete de javu but it still hurts. But it’s not as intense as before. Like I was drinking my ass off and crying all over the place. No, not again sorry.

Maybe I wasn’t just good enough for you. Maybe my love wasn’t just enough to overwhelm you. Maybe I’m not just the man you’ve been looking for. Maybe I was such a deep shit asshole who’s madly in love with you and spoiled you with love and it causes you, I don’t know pressure? I guess. Well you how passionate I am as a person, as a lover to you. Well maybe if it was a sin to be all that I am, well I am guilty and I am taking all the blame.

Don’t you worry, I wont be in your way again. No more stupid me whose going to go nuts when he sees a glimpse of you. Because I’m so full and fed up with it. Now I am so damn ready to go on. You don’t have the chain on me now. Where you can make fun of me and make me like your boy toy whenever you wanted to. I don’t miss you at all. I despise every inch of your f**thy personality.

Should I thank you for everything? I guess not. Because honestly, I couldn’t recall a single moment when I’m with you where it makes me ecstatic. It seems like I have this selective amnesia thing where instantly, my brain would block all sorts of memories of you to help aide my bloody mess up soul.

To the people who have been drag again with this issue. My apologies again and I will take all the blame. I know. I know. I know. You have all told me to stop the crap about her and instead find someone more worthy of my love. I’m so sorry for all this SHIT. And know I don’t just learn my lesson once but twice “once is enough, but twice is too much”.

This would be my very last post about you. I won’t going to talk about you ever again here in my blog. I won’t ask you for good luck or God bless because I would really sound plastic. You go on with your way and hope you won’t trip or anything. Plaa la la…

If I had made you and treated you as a princess, and I figured that it’s not enough. Well the next time I falls, she would be my QUEEN. See? I never learned when it comes to love. Love for me is always a dangerous gamble where I always end up going home broke and wasted. But I like gamble and wont stop at all. Lmao.

What a stupid day. I am freaking waiting for something. I shouldn’t get irritated neither be pissed about it but yet I am. I don’t know why I’m so affected about this when I know from the very start what I am entering upon. But I just couldn’t help it. It’s getting to my NERVES like hell!! Can someone get me a beer and I’m going to drunk my ass off! What the fuck! I want justice for crissake.

I’m such a L.

|||rd party's journal.

I always despised people who engaged in a relationship knowing that they are not the legal one. They hide in dark places waiting for their turn.

But, recently I realized.. It was Fun after all. Yeah you heard it right. I never thought I would enjoy this thing, not even imagined myself engaging in such. She’s committed and I don’t care. I’m dating other girls and she doesn’t care as well. Well, I hope she doesn’t because sometimes I could sense that shes affected. I just don’t know if it’s true. But the thing here is. I’m having really so much FUN FUN FUN. The thrill of playing fire which I know it hurts a bit is paid off when we’re both enjoying the small creepy time we have. Careful it might be your girl I’m dating with. Nyaahahaa.

I KISSED your girl and i LIKE it.
I KISSED your girl just to TRY it.
I hope you don’t mind it. XD

Fire. Fire. Lier.

what am i doing now? lately, ive been playing with her again. i dont know whats gotten up in my coconut shell head that i am letting myself IN again. And to the same person who have caused me so much Laa la la..

Things begin to heat up between us. i tried to a get hold of myself. But i loose control. Everything went blank. it became one sweaty confrontation between two lost souls. It was more of LOVE vs. LUST thing. i admit i enjoyed it. every single second of it. but i was hoping it did not happend at all at the same time. she musnt be at my place anyway. knowing that im all alone in my house. Well ofcourse shes not thinking that we'l only have a simple chit chat and then ill give her a juice and then off she go right? given the weather that time. (its raining hard) how timely it is. Lmao.


This could be pure fiction or
or drawn from reality.. Hihii

wishful thinking

I never wish for something perfect. I never wanted to have something more of a goddess to be at my side. All I want is someone who can stand up for me. Someone who I can share my deepest wildest thoughts, and someone who will be there not only in my highest high’s but also on my deepest darkest times. Love has stabbed me many times now. And I am not as well clean as saint because I have such shits before. But that was past now.

All I wanted is someone who…

• Sings with me in my weird note.
• Smiles back at me when I call her name.
• Laughs at my corniest jokes.
• Enjoys eating vegetables with me.
• Tells me I look good with the shirt I wear.
• Holds my hand so tight.
• Is ready to commit her self to me as I was.
• Is ready to get dirty sometimes.
• Gets drunk with me.
• Kisses me like there is no tomorrow.
• Stares me with pure genuine passionate love.
• Wears the same color of shirt as I was.
• Supports me in whatever I do.
• Gets a little jealous sometimes.
• Runs with me under the pouring rain laughing.
• Seats with me at a bench silently contented.
• Reprimands me when I’m being unfair.
• Is ready to pay our meal when I don’t have a single penny on my wallet.
• Hugs me really tight and tells me “I Love you” when we have arguments.
• Someone who seats with me at a dark corner when I’m at my lowest low.

what a waste..

is there such thing as forever? Or the question should be, does anyone still believes there is such shit? i mean, who on earth with the sane mind still believes on such crap?

Lovers often give such stupid promises like, I will love you forever and will never ever gonna leave or even hurt you in any way. And, i would rather hurt myself than to see you crying (isn't that from a song?). Then before you knew it. She is out there getting laid with some others C**K! And the most pissing part of it, She had made such promises before as well to her who knows past 40 ex's?! what a shame. yeah what a shame that you fell for it. those sweet honey like words from her rotten lips just gives me chill by now. not the same as the line in song entitled "YOUR LOVE" that goes this way "Your love is like the river That flows down through my veins I feel the chill inside" NO! NO! NO! not that same feeling. its a chill of grouseness which i wanted to puke whenever i remember her saying those mere dramatic false love fairyltale land scene words. WHAT the fuck. (can i skip to the love scene instead?)

wait, do i sound kinda absurd today? idk. and hell i care. im pissed.


STOP DREAMING!! there is no such thing as WONDERLAND!!
its better if you'd wake up and go get yourself a LIQOUR.
and after you have drunk it all, smash the bottle in your
coconut like head.

LL.

under the influence of alcohol? i dont thnk so...

Wednesday, April 22 ’09. Everything went out of control…

She had done again. What do you want from me again? I thought you were happy with your partner? Haven’t we’ve talked about this before? We’ve both agreed on keeping our distance from each other right? I told you to stay away from me. I’m trying my best to move on and start from what is left to me. I told you to act as if I don’t exist and ill do the same. I’ve even asked you to erase my mobile number from your contacts. And yet, you’re still texting me. You said you had already erased my number but you but you can’t get it off from your mind. And I said, well it’s NOT my problem anymore.

Then, last Wednesday everything went crazy. You were telling me things like, “you’ve missed me so much”. I wanted to laugh. In the back of my mind I said “so much your face” You were biting, hugging and kissing me. I’m trying to push you away. Because I know it’s not right. I was trying to call juris and bits from a far. But they couldn’t hear me. The videoke was too loud. I keep on telling her. Your just drunk that's why your telling me this things. Aren’t you happy with your partner now? Then she answered “wala man koy uyab”. So I laugh at her. Now I’m really laughing. I asked her, “nag sisi naka?” She answered me with a nod. So it’s a yes obviously. I told her, well it’s too late. Everything had happened already. My tears were falling as I heard her telling me that she is regretting what she have done to me and she wanted me back. But reality flashes in my very face. It said, wait! Isn’t she drunk that’s why she’s telling you these things again? So then I realized. Was I this weak when it comes to her? Then I stand up. And walk away from her. Kring told me that she is hurt and she still loves you. I answered, no she’s not, and she’s just drunk that’s why.

Anyone can attest to everything that happens that day. Now tell me. Do you deserve the word trust? You know what? I am feeling your partner. Your not just hurting me, you’re also hurting your partner as well.

silence.

Silence is deafening. My room was dark as always. I have a Queen Size bed only for myself. Its probably past ten now, since I don’t hear my neighbor yelling to its children for it had done something again. All I can hear are crickets. I wonder if they are talking to each other. Courting or looking for a mate perhaps.

My Mom and my little runt nephew is in the other room next to mine. A thin plywood is the only thing that divides as from. So any noise made from either room can easily be heard given with the silence right now. I think my nephew is asleep since I don’t hear him asking questions, shooting like machine gun out from nowhere. Like, why does my older sister (his mother) have to leave him behind to my mothers care while bringing with her his other three siblings? Then my mom would just answer with “huh?” or “hmm”. For my mom knows that no matter how she explained it to him he just won’t understand.

Just now, I heard mom uses her lighter. Well to light her cigarette probably. Mom has been a chain smoker since. I think it started when she and her first husband had broken up. Though my mom doesn’t talk that much, I know she uses cigarettes as her refuge. I know that by now she’s thinking. Her mind could be anywhere now. In Neptune I assume.

Something pop into my head, I just remembered I have to go to school tomorrow. I will be having my removal exam tomorrow in my Anatomy class. But I don’t think about my exam that much. I might be going to see her tomorrow. And that bothers me more than anything else. She’s the last person I wanted to see for the love of God. Her presence was been constant threat to my sanity.


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friends are friends if are not foe's.

I got a vast number of acquaintances, but very few whom can i call a friend. These people doesn't need any words for me to channel my feelings on what i am undergoing. They have this instant telepathy where we can talk with our minds. This people are elusive and very special in there own little ways. They know exactly what are my strengths and weaknesses.

I know. I know. I'm a bit pretentious at times. I tend to make people think that i am strong and tough. But the truth is, its my defense mechanism. I always has this fear of rejection with people. That's why to cope up with my fears, i see to it to always look tough and smart.

I know i cant please all the people around me.

4 out of 10 people might despise me for my actions and for being opinionated i know. well, i don't really much care with them. because i know more people loved me. And that whats matters most.


tnz.

i wirte sins.. NOT pure plain fantasies.

After a long stressful talk. At last we reached into something that both of us have agreed on. yes this is the end. i wont talk shits about them. wont going to post anything in the web about their escapade and how they have made me looked like a big jerk. well, after all it is me who will look so bitter and dumb. while they get the pleasure of recognition because someone here, a stupid suck ass sour looser writes about them out of pain.

I should be moving on now. i should put on this running shoes and start on moving forward. This haste, anger inside me must be gone by now. i should throw this extra baggage's and let my self soar high. (EAGLE?!)

God I'm missing my sanity. She had me. She had me. She showed me so much and yet at the end i discover it was all a BIG Lie. (STOP!) <-- your starting again. Ok fine. This is my Last pose about you. yes you.


fact.

my sentiments...

Before i start this thing.. i just wanted to say thank you for the ride. A quick ride i should say. It was more of like a roller coaster ride for me. Like everything was FAST. at first i was way up there with sparkling because of pure happiness. And then with a blink of an eye, i was way down there helplessly grasping for anything to hold on to. And as i was shouting for help, you were there. Yes you were. You were smiling like a crocs one, staring at me like i was a stupid dog s**t while you were holding "her" (yes you read it right. its "her") arm.

You had me in your web. yes. yes. you did! you got me fooled for a while. Damn i was. You had me blinded by your tasty words of love. You gave me the hype of Lust. And God i hate it all.


Youll soon be forgotten girl or are you?!..
c'mon..

sa mka relate lang anu? hahaa..
sa mga di maxado qng close jan
cguro nagtataka kayo. cge lng.
magtaka lang kayo.