under the influence of alcohol? i dont thnk so...

Wednesday, April 22 ’09. Everything went out of control…

She had done again. What do you want from me again? I thought you were happy with your partner? Haven’t we’ve talked about this before? We’ve both agreed on keeping our distance from each other right? I told you to stay away from me. I’m trying my best to move on and start from what is left to me. I told you to act as if I don’t exist and ill do the same. I’ve even asked you to erase my mobile number from your contacts. And yet, you’re still texting me. You said you had already erased my number but you but you can’t get it off from your mind. And I said, well it’s NOT my problem anymore.

Then, last Wednesday everything went crazy. You were telling me things like, “you’ve missed me so much”. I wanted to laugh. In the back of my mind I said “so much your face” You were biting, hugging and kissing me. I’m trying to push you away. Because I know it’s not right. I was trying to call juris and bits from a far. But they couldn’t hear me. The videoke was too loud. I keep on telling her. Your just drunk that's why your telling me this things. Aren’t you happy with your partner now? Then she answered “wala man koy uyab”. So I laugh at her. Now I’m really laughing. I asked her, “nag sisi naka?” She answered me with a nod. So it’s a yes obviously. I told her, well it’s too late. Everything had happened already. My tears were falling as I heard her telling me that she is regretting what she have done to me and she wanted me back. But reality flashes in my very face. It said, wait! Isn’t she drunk that’s why she’s telling you these things again? So then I realized. Was I this weak when it comes to her? Then I stand up. And walk away from her. Kring told me that she is hurt and she still loves you. I answered, no she’s not, and she’s just drunk that’s why.

Anyone can attest to everything that happens that day. Now tell me. Do you deserve the word trust? You know what? I am feeling your partner. Your not just hurting me, you’re also hurting your partner as well.

silence.

Silence is deafening. My room was dark as always. I have a Queen Size bed only for myself. Its probably past ten now, since I don’t hear my neighbor yelling to its children for it had done something again. All I can hear are crickets. I wonder if they are talking to each other. Courting or looking for a mate perhaps.

My Mom and my little runt nephew is in the other room next to mine. A thin plywood is the only thing that divides as from. So any noise made from either room can easily be heard given with the silence right now. I think my nephew is asleep since I don’t hear him asking questions, shooting like machine gun out from nowhere. Like, why does my older sister (his mother) have to leave him behind to my mothers care while bringing with her his other three siblings? Then my mom would just answer with “huh?” or “hmm”. For my mom knows that no matter how she explained it to him he just won’t understand.

Just now, I heard mom uses her lighter. Well to light her cigarette probably. Mom has been a chain smoker since. I think it started when she and her first husband had broken up. Though my mom doesn’t talk that much, I know she uses cigarettes as her refuge. I know that by now she’s thinking. Her mind could be anywhere now. In Neptune I assume.

Something pop into my head, I just remembered I have to go to school tomorrow. I will be having my removal exam tomorrow in my Anatomy class. But I don’t think about my exam that much. I might be going to see her tomorrow. And that bothers me more than anything else. She’s the last person I wanted to see for the love of God. Her presence was been constant threat to my sanity.


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friends are friends if are not foe's.

I got a vast number of acquaintances, but very few whom can i call a friend. These people doesn't need any words for me to channel my feelings on what i am undergoing. They have this instant telepathy where we can talk with our minds. This people are elusive and very special in there own little ways. They know exactly what are my strengths and weaknesses.

I know. I know. I'm a bit pretentious at times. I tend to make people think that i am strong and tough. But the truth is, its my defense mechanism. I always has this fear of rejection with people. That's why to cope up with my fears, i see to it to always look tough and smart.

I know i cant please all the people around me.

4 out of 10 people might despise me for my actions and for being opinionated i know. well, i don't really much care with them. because i know more people loved me. And that whats matters most.


tnz.

i wirte sins.. NOT pure plain fantasies.

After a long stressful talk. At last we reached into something that both of us have agreed on. yes this is the end. i wont talk shits about them. wont going to post anything in the web about their escapade and how they have made me looked like a big jerk. well, after all it is me who will look so bitter and dumb. while they get the pleasure of recognition because someone here, a stupid suck ass sour looser writes about them out of pain.

I should be moving on now. i should put on this running shoes and start on moving forward. This haste, anger inside me must be gone by now. i should throw this extra baggage's and let my self soar high. (EAGLE?!)

God I'm missing my sanity. She had me. She had me. She showed me so much and yet at the end i discover it was all a BIG Lie. (STOP!) <-- your starting again. Ok fine. This is my Last pose about you. yes you.


fact.

my sentiments...

Before i start this thing.. i just wanted to say thank you for the ride. A quick ride i should say. It was more of like a roller coaster ride for me. Like everything was FAST. at first i was way up there with sparkling because of pure happiness. And then with a blink of an eye, i was way down there helplessly grasping for anything to hold on to. And as i was shouting for help, you were there. Yes you were. You were smiling like a crocs one, staring at me like i was a stupid dog s**t while you were holding "her" (yes you read it right. its "her") arm.

You had me in your web. yes. yes. you did! you got me fooled for a while. Damn i was. You had me blinded by your tasty words of love. You gave me the hype of Lust. And God i hate it all.


Youll soon be forgotten girl or are you?!..
c'mon..

sa mka relate lang anu? hahaa..
sa mga di maxado qng close jan
cguro nagtataka kayo. cge lng.
magtaka lang kayo.